If we’re honest, the church hasn’t always been the most honest when it comes to sex. There are a few lies that have been told or truths that just weren’t shared. You can read about some of those lies here. However, the church isn’t the only place lying about sex.
Movies and TV shows lie about sex. Magazines lie. Social media and blogs can lie too (hopefully this blog post is not lying. I don’t think it is anyway…). While the church often stay silent when it comes to sex, the media and the world around us have a lot to say. The problem is, the things they’re saying aren’t always correct or realistic. Below are several (though not all) the lies that the culture around us tell about sex.
It’s totally clean and romantic
No one told me sex was messy! It totally is though. There are some bodily fluids involved and they don’t magically get sucked up somewhere. They’re just there and you have to deal with them. Have you ever seen a romantic comedy where they point this out? No!
Also, we should be honest, sex is not always romantic. There are awkward noises, awkward positions, plenty of potential for getting hair in your eyes, face, or mouth or accidentally whacking your partner in the face or other sensitive areas. These are all things that have happened to me. Sex is often more humorous and awkward than it is romantic. There are romantic times too, but the awkward times remind you not to take yourself so seriously.
However, if you’re not prepared for awkwardness, it can make you think that you’re just not good at it. Our bodies are awkward and weird sometimes. Should it surprise us that sex, which involves our bodies, is also awkward and weird on occasion? No, it should not. That’s totally natural.
You’ll be instantly good at it your first time (or first 100 times). If not, you’re failure and there’s no hope.
If someone is bad at sex in a movie, whether it’s their first time or not, they are generally portrayed to be a loser. Are there many high school dramas where the two popular, attractive kids have sex the first time and it’s not great? No, there are not. To my knowledge there are none (granted, I haven’t seen every high school drama).
The truth is, just like pretty much everything in life, there is a learning curve to sex. It’s not that great the first time, but that doesn’t mean you’re doomed. Just like pretty much everything else in life, you can get better at it, no matter where you start from. Thinking it’s going to be awesome from the start is simply setting people up with false expectations.
It’s worth noting that the media/world are not the only places this lie is propagated. The church tells this lie too. Just save your virginity until your wedding night and you’ll have amazing sex. No matter the source of this lie, when we tell it, we set people up for discouragement and failure.
You’ll both be into and draw extreme pleasure from it every time
Only in the comedy world is there ever a sexual encounter portrayed on screen that isn’t mutually mind blowing for both parties? Generally, both people appear to be super into the experience and it’s amazing for both people.
Yeah, that’s a lie. Does that happen sometimes? Sure. However, it doesn’t happen every time and that’s okay. Sometimes one of you is more into it than the other. There are two people involved and they have different sex drives. You’re never going to match up perfectly. Other times, one of your bodies isn’t cooperating, even though you really want it to.
Because sex is a total body experience (involving body, mind, emotions, and spirit, more on that later), it’s amazing when it goes well, but there are a million ways it can go less than amazing. It could be as simple as remembering something that you need to do the next day that can make the experience less than perfect. Just because it’s not perfect every time doesn’t mean it isn’t good or meaningful every time. Sex isn’t about how “good” you are at it. It’s about how it brings you and your spouse together. That’s the point. The physical pleasure is a bonus.
Sex is always exciting
There are very few boring sex scenes out there. I think I’ve seen a couple in comedy movies (again, comedy is often the most honest). The expectation though is sex is a whirlwind experience that’s just so thrilling you won’t believe it. It’s exciting. It’s spontaneous.
The problem is, it can’t always be that. If you’re married, you’re probably going to get into some sort of routine when it comes to your sex life. That could be the positions you’re in, the night you do it, who and how you initiate. It becomes a pretty predictable pattern.
That’s not necessarily a bad thing. You get into routines in the rest of your life either because 1) you have to or 2) they get the job done. The same is true of a routine in your sex life. If you’re a parent with a bunch of young kids, you’re probably not going to be having a whole lot of spontaneous sex. It’s just not how your life works at that point (or so I’m told; I don’t know from experience). Is sex less good because it’s not spontaneous? Sure spontaneity adds some excitement, but sex can be fun and enjoyable without it. Again, the excitement is not the point, the relational bonding is.
You can’t be a happy, fulfilled adult if you’re not having sex
According the world, sex is essential to happiness. Saying no to sex is akin to saying no to food, not necessary and unhealthy (which might also be a lie, depending on who you talk to). Anyone who’s not having sex by choice is probably a loser. Your sexuality is seen as the most important and most true thing about you. To deny yourself the opportunity to express it is unthinkable.
The problem is, sex is not essential for your health or your happiness. Many, many people have lived their lives without having sex and have done great things. Mother Theresa is one such person. John Stott and Henri Neuwen are others. Countless monks and nuns through the ages have done great things while living a celibate life. Don’t forget about Jesus himself. Virgins can be healthy adults too.
Having sex doesn’t make you grown up. In fact, the opposite might be true. Being able to delay pleasure (i.e. saying no to sex) is a better sign of maturity than participating in the physical act of sex. Life without sex is possible. Is it hard? Yes, but it is possible to be a mature and fulfilled adult without it.
It’s a strictly physical thing
This is maybe the most destructive lie that the world tells about sex. While it is acknowledged that sex can have lasting physical consequences that should be guarded against (i.e. pregnancy and STDs), little is said about the long lasting emotional and spiritual consequences of sex. ‘
God designed sex to be a full body and soul experience. It bonds you to the person you’re having sex with. During/after sex, chemicals release in your brain that bind you emotionally to the person that you’re with. This is a spiritual experience, two souls coming in contact in a uniquely physical, emotional, and spiritual way. Therefore, sex has emotional and spiritual consequences.
Why is rape such a heinous crime? Because it affects the victim beyond just the bodily harm done. Something that is supposed to be loving, mutual, and bonding is twisted to be violent, controlling, and objectifying. Sex isn’t just about two bodies completing a function together. It’s about two souls becoming one for a moment. When this bonding happens and then the bond is broken it is bound to be destructive to the parties involved. Healing is possible, but that’s not the way it was designed to be.
What you don’t know can hurt you
If you don’t know these lies are lies, it can be rather destructive. You might just have unrealistic expectations and then beat yourself up for meeting an impossible standard. That’s not exactly helpful or healthy. Worse than that, you might just not realize how series sex is and the way it can effect you.
If the church wants to be a voice when it comes to sexuality, they have to confront both the lies that they have (explicitly or implicitly) been telling as well as these lies that the world around us tells.
What is the truth about sex that churches should be telling? We’ll look at that next week.
Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash