How Do You Know They’re “The One”?

Oh “The One.” Supposedly, they’re the person in this world that we have to find in order to be perfectly happy. Supposedly, this person is the one our soul is destined to combine with to create a perfect couple that will have a perfect marriage and be perfectly happy for ever and ever amen.  According to popular belief, you have to find “The One” and then hold on to them forever if you want to be happy in this life. But how are you supposed to know when someone is the one?

The answers from movies are actually pretty hysterical. When you know, you know. You’ll just feel it. Your eyes will meet and you’ll know. Super not helpful and probably not accurate. How are you supposed to know if someone is the right person for you to marry? How do you know you’ve found ‘The One”

“The One” Is Not Biblical

The whole idea of “The One” is absolute nonsense. The concept is not found in the Bible. God never says anywhere that there is just a single person out there that you are destined to marry. There is that verse, Song of Solomon 4:3 that talks about “the one my soul loves”, but in that case, it’s quite possible that the person in question is already married or at least engaged to “the one my soul loves.” Even then, the context isn’t saying that there’s only one person that their soul could love, this particular person just happens to have that special place in their heart.

“The One” Is a Lie

The idea that there is just one soulmate out there for everybody is a modern myth. As we’ve seen, it’s not a biblical concept. History shows that there has always been an admiration of strong love and romance, but never this obsession with finding a single special person who will fulfill all your greatest desires. For most of history, people were in arranged marriages where there was no choice, and no quest for “The One” besides maybe the person that would do the most to increase the prestige of your family.

The idea of “The One” really breaks down when we think about it. Is love really some kind of hide and seek game that God expects us to play and if we lose then we’re doomed to be miserable? What happens if your “The One” dies or meets someone else or decides to be a celibate priest? Does that mean that you’re doomed to an unhappy existence because of what someone you never met did? I don’t thingk so. The whole thing is bogus and extremely illogical.

You Pick The One and Stick with Them

The truth is, if you decide to marry someone, they become “The One”. They are the singular person you swear before God that you will love, honor, and cherish until you are parted by death. You choose who “The One” is. Even if that person ends up to not be exactly who you thought they were going to be (and that always happens because there are always things you didn’t know about someone), you still are to choose them as your “One” each and every day.

Even if you pick a lousy spouse, they are still “The One”. Marriage isn’t about finding a certain kind of person (although you should be at least a little choosey, more on that next week). Marriage is about you becoming a certain kind of person. That means it’s more about what you do than about who they are.

It’s Not About Being Happy

As Gary Thomas says in his book Sacred Marriage, marriage isn’t about making you happy, it’s about making you holy. He has a whole chapter in his book about how having a difficult spouse is a tool that God uses to help you grow and become more like Christ. Even if you marry someone who is difficult to love or who maybe even doesn’t deserve all that you do for them, you are still called to love, cherish, and care for them, even at their worst. That’s the biblical picture of how God loves us and he asks us to pass that love on to others, even when (especially when) that are as unlovable as we know we often are.

But How Do You Know?

Okay, so if there’s not one out there, but I’m also stuck with whoever I marry becoming the one, how do I know who to marry? How can you tell if this person is the person I should marry? The truth is there’s no one test you can take or question you can ask to help you figure that out. It’s a complicated question. However, there are a few things you should probably consider. We’ll look at a few of those things in next week’s blog post.

Photo by David Thomaz on Unsplash