I firmly believe that soulmates and “the one” are an urban legend. They’re not biblical concepts or historical ones (read last week’s blog post for more info on that). However, that doesn’t mean that you can just marry anybody you please and hope for the best. There are some warning signs and relationship red flags you should watch out for.
Below is my list of things you should really think through to decide if someone would be a good marriage partner or not. This list is not comprehensive, just based on my own brain and thoughts and things I’ve read and learned from others. It’s made by a human and therefore subject to errors, but still, I think it’s a decent starting point. These are all written from a female perspective, but the same could be said for males, in my opinion.
You don’t respect him.
If you can’t respect a person, you shouldn’t marry them. Books like Love and Respect and For Women Only stress the fact that respect is very important for men in their relationships. If they don’t feel respected, they don’t feel loved.
What does respect look like? You have to be able to take them seriously. You have to see them as an equal. If they give advice and suggestions, you actually take those things into consideration (maybe not on every subject, we all have our areas of knowledge, but at least in a few). You should be able to see a few things that they are better at than you. There should be pieces of their personality that, while being different from yours, you can appreciate.
A quick way to see if you resect someone is to ask yourself, “What makes me admire this person?” Really think through your answer. If the things you admire about the person are on the shallow end or are a product of a season and could potentially fade (i.e. looks, physical strength, a particular position at work), you might want to think twice. If you have multiple things on your list about their character, habits, personality, etc. You’re probably in the respect zone. That’s good news for your relationship!
Your friends and family don’t like him
The truth is, your family and friends (unless they’re really unhealthy and then you have other issues) love you and want the best for you. If your family and friends are hesitant about a relationship, that’s cause for at least a little concern. That doesn’t mean that if you’re friends and family aren’t totally in love with him after the first meeting then you should be concerned. However, if you have a healthy, loving family and good, honest friends and they’re hesitant about a potential husband after they’ve spent some time with him, it’s worth taking a step back.
It’s worth noting that opinions can change, so sometimes all your family and friends need is some time. People can also change. Zach and I had a really unhealthy relationship after we first met. My friends knew about it and weren’t fans. Then we didn’t talk to each other for about a year. When we started talking again, several of my friends were really hesitant for me to start a relationship with him because of how things had gone in the past. However, a lot had happened in that year when we hadn’t talked and we were both in healthier places. My friends eventually came along after they saw that and were totally on board.
The presence of “dark cloud” thoughts
Okay, this is kind of a weird one, and it’s born of personal experience, so maybe it’s fallible. Here’s what I’m talking about though. When I was dating the only other person I’ve dated besides my husband, I would occasionally think about what it would be like to be married or daydream about our wedding day. However, when I did this, I noticed a disturbing trend. There was some sort of dark cloud that would come into my mind and trouble me about my daydream. Sometimes I would just think of some potential issue or logistical problem, but mostly it was just this weird shadow over my dream world.
Looking back, I realize that was some sort of heads up from God that this relationship was not going to end like I thought it was (he ended up breaking up with me). I didn’t know that at the time, so I just thought I was being a little pessimistic. If you have dark cloud thoughts, you might want to be on the lookout.
He won’t own up to his crap
We all have crap, brokenness in our lives that wounds us and needs to be dealt with. When two people get married, you no longer have to deal with your own crap, you have to deal with someone else’s crap too (plus you’ll both probably find some crap you didn’t even know you had). Part of the what makes a marriage hard and beautiful is helping one another identify and get rid of some of the crap in our lives.
However, in order to do this, you first have to acknowledge that you have crap that needs to dealt with. If you’re in a relationship with someone that is not willing to acknowledge that have brokenness in their life (and everybody has something), you should not marry them. They should also show a willingness to work on brokenness. If they aren’t, beware.
You’re going in two very different directions/have very incompatible life goals
You don’t want to marry someone if your goals and dreams and their goals and dreams are opposite. For example, if they really want to travel the world and live like a nomad and you’re a homebody who really wants to settle down in one place, that’s probably not going to work. In a marriage, you should be walking side by side in life, going in the same direction.
This isn’t just about life preferences either. Faith really comes into play here. If you love Jesus and want to follow him and your potential spouse is a Satanist, things aren’t looking up. You’re walking in two very different directions. That’s an extreme example, but I think you get the point.
You have major differences in your thoughts about money, sex, your potential in-laws, and kids
The main things that couples fight about are money, sex, in-laws, and kids. While you don’t have to be in lock step about all these things, making sure you’re at least in the same ballpark is a good idea. If you’re committed to living debt free and your potential spouse uses their credit card like they’re a millionaire and they actually work at McDonald’s, that’s a problem. If you want to have 17 kids and your potential spouse doesn’t want any, that’s a problem. If your potential spouse hates your family and you think they’re great, that’s a problem. If you expect to have sex once a week and he wants it everyday and twice on Sundays, that’s a problem.
Again, the point is not that you have to 100% agree in your views of these things. In fact, there should be some things that you disagree with each other on. However, your views should at least be close enough that you could conceivably compromise without the one person feeling like their principles have been violated. You might not have to be on the same page, but you should at least be in the same book (or maybe even the same chapter).
You don’t think he’s funny
A professor in college once told me that next to loving Jesus, the most important thing to look for in a potential spouse is a great sense of humor. The truth is laughter and joy are important. If you can’t appreciate your potential spouses sense of humor or they can’t appreciate yours, you are in trouble. That doesn’t mean that you have to find every joke they tell hilarious. However, they should be able to make you more than pity laugh.
The truth is, life is hard. Even if you marry someone that is the perfect fit for you, hard times are going to come. You’re going to have to walk through scary and painful things together. You need someone by your side that you can both cry with and laugh with and maybe sometimes do both at the same time.
A secret
Hopefully, if you’re in a serious relationship, you’re reading through this list and answering yes to most, if not all, of these questions. That’s awesome! Things are looking like a good fit! Can a tell you a secret though, even if your potential spouse is absolutely perfect for you, you’re probably going to have doubts about them before you get married. Guess what? That’s perfectly normal and does not mean you shouldn’t get married! Doubts about a person is not a red flag. It’s actually really healthy. Marriage is a big commitment. You’re promising yourself to one person for the rest of your life. It’s something that shouldn’t be entered into lightly.
You should think about so much that at least at one or two points, you should doubt that the person you’re with is the right person. That doesn’t reflect on your relationship. It’s reflection on the seriousness of the commitment. So don’t let a little doubt scare you. Just like at some point we all doubt the existence or goodness of God (or both), you will probably doubt the wisdom of marrying your spouse both before and at least every once in awhile after.
As stated earlier, this list is not comprehensive. If you can think of another red flag, please share it below. Love to catch a few of the things I didn’t think of.
Photo by KEVIN CLYDE BERBANO on Unsplash