10 Things You Should Know Before You Get Married

Someone I work with got married in June. After her wedding, she moved a couple of hours away to where her now husband lives. Her last week at work, we all went out to eat to celebrate her. During this outing, she asked myself and a few other married co-workers what advice we would give her about married life. She got three good, but very different answers from the three of us. We’d all been married different lengths of time and all had very different insights for her. All were equally valid and helpful, the differences being differences in what had been unique about our own life experiences.

The truth is, you can mentally know a lot about marriage before you get married, but you will never truly know everything there is to know until you live it. Even then, marriage is a journey. It’s always changing and you’re always learning new things. However, there are a few things that I think it’s helpful to know about marriage going in to it or even as you just dream about what married life will be like. These things are based on that conversation, my own experience, and my every continuing reading on the subject.

1. Romantic feelings will come and go after you’re married

When you first fall in love with someone, it’s magical. The sun is brighter, the sky is bluer, and life is wonderful. You’ve never felt like this before and you’re pretty convinced at the time that this will never end.

Sadly, the reality is that it will. According to Gary Chapman in The 5 Love Languages, that “in love” feeling will wear off, even in the healthiest of relationships in 18 months to 2 years. It’s science. That falling in love feeling is caused by chemicals coursing through your brain. Your brain can’t continue to live in that state forever though. Eventually, those endorphins calm down. The losing of that “in love” feeling can be scary, but as long as you’re prepared for it, there’s no need to be alarmed.

Being “in love” is simply one stage (and usually the first one) in a marriage relationship. Your relationship will grow and change throughout the years. Just because you lose the crazy in love feelings doesn’t change the fact that you love your spouse. Now you have to choose to love through actions even when those amazing feelings may no longer be there. That’s okay. A chosen love is actually stronger and healthier than a feeling love anyway (and at the end of the day, we all choose to lose, see this blog post on that topic).

2. You are uniquely able to hurt your spouse (and vice versa)

Marriage is great. You have one person in this world who knows you in a way that no one else does. They get to be up close and personal in your life, seeing you in situations that no one else ever will. You become one with this person, with of your lives impacting the other. This is great, but it also can cause lots of pain.

As the person who comes to know you best in this world, your spouse is uniquely able to hurt you best too. They will come to know what buttons to push. They see you at your worst, behind closed doors, where other people might never get access.

Your partner can also hurt you in ways that no one else can. As your lives are interwoven, their actions affect you in a way that no one else’s do. This other person has the capacity to make your live heaven or hell, and there’s only so much you can do about. You’re one flesh, but you both make individual choices of how to act day in and day out. 

3. You have to take care of yourself for your spouse’s sake

In order to be a good spouse, you have to be a healthy person. If you’re an emotional wreck, you’re not going to be able to emotionally support your spouse. If you’re physically out of shape, it’s going to put limits on your relationship. If you’re spiritually unhealthy, you’re not going to be able to connect with your spouse on that level. You have to be healthy yourself to be able to give yourself well to your spouse.

Now hear me, there are going to be unhealthy times that you can’t do anything about. If some tragedy enters your life, you’re not expected to be totally fine the next day for the sake of your marriage. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to be in pain. However, if something is a constant problem, not just a seasonal one, you might need to get help.

This could mean seeing a counselor or therapist if grief continues to overwhelm you or there’s something from your past, big or small, that’s influencing your relationship. It might be as simple as reading a book or as complicated as therapy. Just do what you need to do to be the healthiest version of yourself (and not other people’s versions of healthy).

Simply do everything you can to be the healthiest version of yourself that you can be in this season. Do all that you can to keep yourself healthy so that you can give a healthy version of yourself to your spouse.

4. Married communication is really hard

Sometimes it’s really hard to say what you need, but you have to say it. I’m going to admit that I’m really bad at this. For some reason, I think I’m being selfish if I tell Zach what I need. But that’s actually not selfish at all, it’s loving. How else is he supposed to know what I’m thinking? He’s not a mind reader.

This reluctance to name needs (which generally seems to be more of a female problem) is just one of the things that makes communication between spouses difficult. Many times one person is a verbal processor and the other isn’t. There are uneven communication needs. Stereotypically it’s the woman who desires more verbal communication, but not always. Some people just have a hard time putting their thoughts into words. Good communication takes practice and patience.

5. Married sex isn’t always exciting

Youth groups everywhere have taught us that if we only wait until we get married, sex is going to be the greatest thing every. Pretty much every movie with a romantic sex scene demonstrates a passionate and heartthrobbing environment. Whether in the church or in the world, we’re taught that sex should be exciting. It should make your heart pound. It should be spontaneous and fun and adventurous.

All of those things are true about sex…sometimes. That’s the trick. Sex can be like that, but it isn’t always. Sex, like everything else, can settle down into a routine. I’m convinced that might not be a terrible thing.

In her book Real Sex, author Lauren Winner talks about this phenomenon. She writes about a scene from a book that describes a married couple going through a difficult time. They end up having sex and find comfort in the fact that they have a routine for their sexual life. It’s familiar. It reminds them of their love and when these patterns formed. It binds them to one another.

Sex doesn’t need to be exciting all the time. Sometimes it’s just meant to draw you together or be a comfort to you. While exciting sex has its place, so does routine, familiar sex.

6. You have to be intentional once you’re married

When you first get married, everything is new and exciting. You’re making routines and traditions together. Everything is sweet. Often, you don’t want to spend too much time away from home. You just want to be together.

However, eventually, this honeymoon phase fades. You don’t spend every night together. She goes out with her girlfriends. He has to work late. She goes back to school. He starts a business. They have kids. Once the newly married aura fades, you can easily just become two ships passing in the night, sharing the same bed and maybe some chores, but not much else.

Having a good marriage requires work. The work isn’t physically demanding. It just takes time and it takes intention. Once you get used to living together, you really have to make sure you’re taking time to have real conversation. You have to take time to do things together that bring you together. That could look like date night. It could look like adventures together. Even just something as simple as a daily routine that includes a check in about each’s other day goes a long way. Intention is key.

7. You can come back from more than you think

Before you get married, you might think “If my husband did [insert thing that would either annoy you, horrify you, or hurt you here] that would be it.” The truth is though, your spouse will do things that will annoy you, horrify you, and hurt you. However, you can forgive more than you think you can.

You are stronger than you know. Your relationship will grow. There will be hurting and embarrassing done on both sides. That’s just how life works. None of that has to ruin your relationship though. If you deal with your issues, working out those you can between the two of you and finding help to get you through the ones that might be beyond your own knowledge, you can heal rom almost anything.

8. Holidays and family dynamics can be rough

Something you never think about in your marriage dreams when you’re younger is the fact that you don’t just marry one person. You marry that person’s family too. There’s now at least one other family (more if there was a divorce in there) that wants to spend holidays with you and be a part of your lives. That can get really messy. Even if you have the best in laws on the planet (which I like to believe I do), there is going to be conflict. You’re going to disappoint one family or another at some point. You just have to accept that.

The trick is to get in front of that. Talk about holidays far in advance. Come up with traditions with both families. Try your best to see both equally or at least as often as you can. Make sure you and your spouse talk about this and have clear expectations about when you’re visiting whom. Be honest about family struggles. Be honest about your feelings about your own family and theirs. Don’t be mean, but do be honest. Be patient with everyone involved. We’re all just trying to do our best

9. Humility is key

One of the hardest things about marriage is that another person gets to be up in your business about everything. Your life is no longer your own. There’s someone else that sees you both at your best and at your worst. God designs marriage that way because he wants us to grow. In order for that to happen though, we have to be humble.

We have to willing to admit our own failings and quirks. Just admit and accept now that you are not perfect. Your spouse is there to remind you of that each and every day. You also have to be willing to accept correction and be open to change. If you take yourself to seriously, if you’re not willing to graciously accept corrections, if you refuse to change, marriage is going to be hard on you.

People often get married for selfish reasons, but marriage is designed to be one of the most self-less relationships you can be apart of. As Gary Thomas says in Sacred Marriage, marriage isn’t about making you happy, but about making you holy. You no longer do things just for yourself, you do them for someone else. You put another person in front of you. If you can’t do that, don’t get married.

10. There’s always more to learn

I have always had a love of relationship books. Because of that, I figured there probably wasn’t much out there for me to really learn about marriage and relationships. That was a lie. The truth is, there’s always something else to learn and always something you could be improving about your relationship. You’ll always be able to find a new book to read, conference to go to, program to try.

There’s a tricky balance there though. You should never be complacent in your relationship. However, you can’t go and try to find things to fix or try to fix everything at once. Slow down. Work on one thing at a time. Don’t overwhelm yourself or your spouse. Have grace for both of you.

Those are my words of wisdom. If I missed anything big, feel free to tell me so in the comments below. I’d love to know your ideas.

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