The Danger of High Expectations and Unlimited Options

Our modern world is pretty sweet in some ways. We have the knowledge of the whole world at our fingertips due to smartphones and the internet. We can communicate with people anywhere for free. In many aspects of life, we have unlimited options.

In other ways, our modern world creates problems other people have never had to deal with. We now know more about the people around us than we ever have. Thanks to social media, we now know what our college roommate had for breakfast, what our mom won last night at her bunko game, and who our middle school ex-boyfriend is dating. Never before have people been so connected and had so much information about other’s lives.

On the positive side, this helps us keep in contact with people we might otherwise lose contact with. However, it also creates a lot of comparison and a fear of missing out. We are now comparing our everyday lives with our friends’ and neighbors’ highlight reels. This means we expect a lot from our lives. This is also true in the area of romance.

The Realities of the Past

The truth is, for most of human history, people have had limited options when it came to romance. As noted in a previous post, generally, people have married someone that lived very close to them. This means that people kind of knew what to expect relationship-wise. There are limited options and you knew all about your potential spouse, more than likely, because you had grown up around them and knew their family.

For better or for worse, in the past, divorce was also very uncommon. Most people who got married were married for life, whether they were happy or healthy or safe or not. This meant that most people were aware of unhappy marriages and knew that was a possibility. Just read a Jane Austen novel. People married spouses that they later discovered were silly or airheaded or rude, and they just accepted that. There wasn’t any recourse.

Technology and Divorce Have Changed Everything

In our own world, because of technology and cultural changes, things are much different. For one thing, we have unlimited options when it comes to romance. Can’t find someone in your town? Try online dating. Social media, online dating apps, and more mobile lifestyles expose us to more people than ever. Now that much of the stigma of online dating is gone, you have access to an almost infinite selection of potential dates in the palm of your hand at any time.

Additionally, people have higher expectations of romance. The authors of the book Premarital Sex in America note that young people still think very highly of marriage, even if they are putting off the decision to marry. In fact, part of their motivation to delay marriage is to ensure they make a correct choice. They want to make sure they find the perfect person to spend their life with. The expect marriage to be wonderful, as long as you find the right person.

Some of this thinking is the result of a high divorce rate in our culture. Kids have seen their parents divorce and experienced that pain and want to save their future children from the same fate. They want to be 100% sure that their marriage will be successful before they start it. This often leads to cohabitating before marriage in order to “test drive” things.

There’s No Such Thing as Being “Sure”

The problem is, high expectations and unlimited options are a deadly combination. In his book Modern Romance, Aziz Ansari and a team of researchers he worked with noted that this can basically put people in a decision making freeze. They don’t want to commit to the person in front of them because they have such high expectations and they know the next great thing could just be a swipe away on their phone.

While it’s great to have possibilities, too many possibilities can lead to analysis paralysis where you can’t decide on anything because you have too many options. When you also have really high expectations about the thing you’re deciding on, it’s even more dangerous. No wonder so many young people are waiting to marry, even though they seem to have found a viable partner. They’re just not quite sure that this person is “the One”.

Let’s be honest, whether it’s now or in the past, you’re never going to be 100% sure that the person you are marrying is going to live up to your expectations. Personally, I think the whole “the one” thing is baloney anyway (you can find my thoughts on that topic here). Marriage is a big decision. Like all decisions we make in this life, we have no guarantees that we’re choosing the right thing. You can’t hold out for some sign or feeling that removes all doubts. That’s probably not going to come.

You Control Your Expectations

You know what you have control over? Your expectations. Where are you getting your ideas about marriage? Are those places realistic? If all your ideas about marriage come from romantic comedies, I can assure you that you have an unrealistic expectation for marriage. If you want to have a more realistic idea of what marriage is like, spend time with people who are married. Ask them about what their expectations were and how they compared to reality. Ask some people who are close to your own age and those you are quite a few years older. This will give you a good baseline for what you should expect from your own marriage throughout the years.

Let’s also give people a chance. In a world where you have unlimited options of potential partners at your fingertips, don’t dismiss people because you don’t immediately click with someone. Back in the day, when people didn’t have unlimited options, most were wise enough to know that it takes awhile to get to know someone. If you don’t immediately click, that doesn’t mean there’s no hope for a potential romance.

Commit Already!

Also, don’t be afraid to commit because you fear there might be something else better out there. Be present where you are. Don’t live with one foot out the door because you fear you’re missing out on something else.

Don’t cohabit to “try out” marriage. For one thing, it’s not going to give you the clarity you want. Again, you’re never going to be 100% sure that you married the right person (even after you’re married, it happens to us all on occasion). Living together isn’t going to solve that problem.

Additionally, living together, statistically, does not bode well for your relationship. Those who cohabit generally report being less satisfied in their relationships and have a higher likelihood of divorce. Plus, by cohabitating, you are actively participating in cheapening the “price” for sex (if you don’t know what I mean by that, check out this post). God actually knew what he was talking about when he said sex should be saved for marriage.

Attitude and Commitment Trump Finding the Right Person

Let’s also be clear about something, you choose to be faithful in your marriage. You can overcome the worst things in your marriage if you choose to remain committed. It’s not about picking the right person, it’s about having the right attitude. The other person might not measure up to your expectations, but you can choose what your expectations are going forward. No matter who you marry, those expectations are going to need to change. You are going to be disappointed because no human being is perfect and no human can meet another person’s expectations. Those are just the facts.

Honestly, finding a good marriage partner is less about the other person and more about you and your attitudes and views. What are your expectations? Are they realistic? Are you willing to commit to an imperfect person (because we’re all imperfect)? Can you to be faithful to an imperfect person? Are you willing to stick it out when things get hard? These qualities have always been important in marriage, in our modern world and in the past. It’s only by positively answering these questions that you can hope to have a successful modern romance.

Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash