How Not to be Single

This month, I’m turning 30, which is crazy. I don’t feel that old. Also now 30 doesn’t seem to be old to me anymore. It seems very young. In honor my 30 years of wisdom, I’m going to take the month of October to do some reflecting on my life. This includes what I have done well and what I wish I could tell my younger self to do better. This week we’ll focus on being single.

I’ve written about singleness a lot on this blog (here’s an example). There’s a good reason for that. Singleness is hard, but I was terrible at being single. Dear single people out there, I write to you because I want you to be better than I was. I know that some of the misery of my singleness was self-imposed. There are so many things I could have done better, but that is not what I did.

Instead what I did were the things below. Read them and learn from my stupidity. Here is how not to be single.

Don’t Put Yourself Out There

First of all, when I was single, I wanted God to change my circumstances. I didn’t want to have to do anything about it. Therefore, I mostly just stayed in my little friend group I had had since high school. There were probably many things that I could have gotten involved in and used to meet new people. Sure, that might not have led to a spouse, but at least I would have been reminded that there were more people out there than the handful I was spending all my time with and had been spending all my time with since high school.

Even when I got invitations to go new places and experience new groups of people, I avoided it. Some of this is because I moved a decent amount growing up and hated the “new girl” feeling. Some was legitimate in that I didn’t want to overextend myself and some of those invitations were a good ways away or required a large commitment. However, my biggest problem was that I just didn’t want to have to put myself out there and be disappointed again.

Mope a Lot about Being Single

Secondly, I was a very sad single person. I cried a lot in my bed at night. I complained with my single friends about how life sucked. Additionally, I complained to my married friends about how my life sucked. I complained to anyone who would listen that I was unhappy.

The truth was, my life was not that bad. Sure, I was single and didn’t want to be. That was a bummer. However, I did have good friends. I did have a good family. I was making some money and saving a lot. I wasn’t out on the street. I didn’t hate my job (though it wasn’t what I wanted to be doing long term). I simply couldn’t see past myself. What probably would have been good for me would be serving people in some capacity that would remind myself that my life was actually not that bad. It could be far worse. In reality, I had very little to complain about.

Don’t Ask for Help

Additionally, I have always had an issue with asking for help. Even now, I have a hard time with it. In my single years, there was no way I was going to others for help. I mean, I wanted help understanding my situation or processing out loud. However, I didn’t really want people helping me directly by setting me up with anyone. I think that was wrong of me.

If I truly thought that God could work in my life, I shouldn’t have disparaged the role other people could play in that process. God puts people in our lives for a reason (actually, usually multiple reasons). I might have shutting down an avenue God wanted to use to answer my prayer, just because I didn’t think that was how it should happen or just because I didn’t want to be helped by others.

Take Your Singleness Too Seriously

I’ll be honest, I was a bit dramatic about the whole thing. Jokes about my singleness hurt me. I expected everyone to be as upset about my single status as I was. It seemed like the biggest deal in the world.

In reality, I made it worse on myself by being far too serious about it. Sure, singleness and loneliness are hard. However, they don’t ruin your life. They don’t make you a second class citizen. They should be laughed at, just like every other part of life.

Compare, Compare, Compare

I still struggle with the comparison game, but it was way worse when I was single. Part of it was self-righteousness. I felt I had done all the “right” things and still hadn’t gotten my reward. On the contrary, people who were doing everything “wrong” were in relationships. It just wasn’t fair. What did they know, what had they, done, that I hadn’t?

Furthermore, I tied my single status to my identity far too much. This meant I was constantly negatively comparing myself to those who were no longer single. I must not be pretty enough or smart enough or funny enough or spiritual enough. This comparison led to me seeing myself than less than, but it also made me bitter towards other people. I couldn’t be happy for those that were getting what I wanted and didn’t have.

Don’t Touch or Be Touched while Single

Due to the fact that I’m not a touchy person, lack of touch was an issue for me. Some people are huggers or often just put a hand on you while they’re talking to you. I’m not one of those people. I won’t touch you unless I’m told to, I know you really well, and/or, it’s obvious you need a hug or something. This became a problem when I was single. I had no healthy outlet for touch.

As humans, we need loving touch. Not sexual touch or even romantic touch, but loving touch. This could be from a friend or a family member. We need to be touched. This could be a hug or being held or simply having someone rub your back or arm on occasion.

I didn’t have an avenue for healthy touch and so I was easily convinced to take any opportunity for touching, even if it was extremely unhealthy. That got me into trouble. Being more touchy with my friends could really have helped

Believe That Things Never Change

Finally, my biggest problem might have been then: I had no hope that things were going to change. It seemed that how my life had always been was how it was always going to be. (Huge fan of this song at the time) I had only ever had one sided crushes in high school and college. I could imagine, but couldn’t believe after two disappointments that anyone could ever like me back.

The truth is though that life is a film strip. It might seem like it’s just moving on in an monotonous course and never changing, but that’s just not true. It reality, all it takes is a moment for your life to change forever (for good or bad). Things could be constant for 5 years and then change in an instant. I just couldn’t see that.

Singles, Learn from Me and Others!

Hopefully you can learn from my mistakes. If there are other married people out there reading this, feel free to share additional ways you were bad at being single in the comments below. Let’s help our single brother and sisters out!