Why You’re Still Single

Maybe the hardest part of singleness is not being able to pinpoint why you’re still single. You just want to know what it is that’s keeping you from entering relational bliss. If you knew that, you could fix it and move on with your life. It can be really easy to go down a blackhole of all the reasons you’re still single.

Here are a few things that I can assure you are NOT the reason why you are still single:

1. You’re not thin enough, pretty enough, or [insert personal insecurity here]

I can pretty much guarantee that your singleness is not caused by a physical defect. I realize that I have no idea what you look like, but I’m still pretty confident in this statement. Why? Have you seen all the ugly and fat people that are married? I’m not saying that to be cruel, I’m simply pointing out the facts.

Your looks (or lack thereof) have very little to do with whether or not you’re in a relationship. Is being super-hot helpful in getting asked out? Probably (I wouldn’t know from experience), but looks can only take you so far and don’t guarantee relationship success.

The best-looking people I know are not always the ones who got married the earliest. I know plenty of beautiful girls and good-looking guys who are still single. To be honest, I also know plenty of plain/homely looking people that got married really early. There doesn’t seem to be a correlation between good looks and being in a relationship.

2. You’re hopelessly socially awkward.

Does being socially aware help in forming a relationship? Yes, I would think it does. However, once again, have you ever noticed that some of the most awkward people in the world seem to find each other and get married rather early? I have seen this trend. I don’t know what it says about awkward people, but it should give hope to the rest of us. Being awkward is not a barrier to a relationship.

3. You’re not content enough in your relationship with God.

This is the biggest load of Christian BS out there, but it seems to show up everywhere: once you’re content with where you are right now, that’s when God will give you the desire of your heart. Does that happen sometimes? Sure.

However, when you try to live by this idea you end up in a hopeless circle of trying to be content so that you can get what you want, which means you’re actually not content, which means you keep trying to be, but you’re trying to be so you can get that thing that you want and on and on and on.

If we look at the Bible, God doesn’t “reward” people for contentment. In fact, he gives some very discontent people the thing that they want (see the story of Rachel in Genesis and Hannah’s story at the beginning of 1 Samuel). Contentment is not a pre-requisite to God’s good gifts.

4. You’re not mature enough, either generally or spiritually.

Once again, let’s look at the wide world out there and note that some very immature people are married. Also, marriage is not something that you earn. It’s not like you have to reach a certain level in your maturity and then God gives you a relationship. That would be a reward system, and God doesn’t work like that. God is a God of grace. He gives people things that they don’t deserve at all. It’s not fair and it doesn’t make sense to us, but that doesn’t make it less true.

Honestly, I don’t know why I’m currently married and why some of my friends are not. In my mind, some of them deserve it more than I do. They’re older. Some are prettier. They’re better people who are more faithful to God. It doesn’t make sense to me. It isn’t fair, but it’s how God has decided to work. They haven’t done anything wrong, nor have I figured out some formula to do things “right”. Each of our stories is complete up to God and where we are is entirely His doing.

So why are you still single? Here are a few possible reasons:

1. God has called you to a life of continued singleness.

This is an actual possibility. God does call some people to remain single their whole life. I’m not totally convinced that these people always desire this calling either. In looking at the world and the history of the church, I think sometimes God doesn’t fulfill longings that we have. It’s possible that you are called to be single your whole life. However, don’t let that thought get you down. I don’t think the number of people God calls to forever singleness is huge. The odds are in your favor.

2. There’s still something you need to do before you meet a spouse.

This could mean a great number of things. Maybe there’s a task that you need to do that would be easier to do single than married. Things like internships, serving on a mission, and living abroad are all possible things that you might be called to do before you tie the knot. Not going to lie, these things are a lot easier unencumbered by spouse and family (plus they might be a great place to meet a future spouse).

There are other possibilities too. Maybe you need to walk through a hard season to prepare your heart for a relationship. Perhaps God has something that he needs to help you work through or improve on that will make a relationship what it should be. Once again, you don’t earn a relationship nor do you have to reach a certain maturity level before you get married, but God does sometimes plan these things out nicely.

3. There’s something a potential spouse needs to do before they meet you.

What could be true of you also could be true of your potential spouse. It could be that they have some task they need to do or character flaw they need to work on or life experience they need to walk through before they will be the spouse you need them to be.

These are all completely plausible reasons that you may still be single. However, I actually know why you are single right now. It might not be a comforting truth, but it’s a truth none the less:

The real reason you are still single:

In this moment, God wants you to be single because it’s what’s best for you right now. I told you, not comforting, but true nonetheless (just so you know, married people have to deal with a similar uncomfortable truth, read about it here). If you are single right now, it’s because God wants you to be. When he wants you to be married, he will make that happen too.

There is nothing you have done or not done that has caused you to be where you are today. You may think some mistake has brought you here, but even if some mistake has slowed your course, there’s nothing you can do or not do that will mess up God’s plan for your life.

Now, let’s be clear, God’s plan and our plan are usually vastly different. There’s no mistaking that. But God’s plan is perfect and can’t be ruined. God has a way of using even our worst mistakes to put us exactly where he wants us and exactly where is best for us.

So don’t give up hope. As long as there is breath in your body, there is still a chance that God will give you the desire of your heart. It probably won’t look like you thought it would, but it might be better than your wildest dreams.

Photo by Ashton Bingham on Unsplash