When I was 25 I felt like an old maid. I realize now that I was being a bit overdramatic, but it felt terrible at the time. Partially, I think it was just that I was surrounded by people who were married. I felt like a left behind loser. The feeling made me more desperate to shed my single status.
I’ll be the first to admit that I was terrible at being single. Part of that was my impatience, but a lot of it was simply me being stubborn. I’m privileged to be friends with many single people who, while they want to be married, are way better at being single than I was.
So, first I’ll tell you what you should not do if you find yourself single and wishing not to be (aka everything I did). Then, I’ll give a few suggestions of what you might want to try (based on my friends who are way better at it than I am).
What Not to Do:
Don’t just complain.
I’m going to be completely honest here. When I was single I mostly just complained about it. I complained about boys. I complained about God. If all else failed, I complained about modern society. There’s nothing inherently wrong about complaining (other than eventually it will make you a not so nice to be around person). God is definitely big enough to handle any complaints we may have. However, I honestly didn’t do all that much to change my situation. I just complained. Obviously, that didn’t really do much good. Complaining might feel good, but it usually doesn’t bring about much change.
Don’t be bitter.
Okay, this one is a little tough. It’s kind of hard to not be bitter if all the people around you are getting what you want and you’re not making any progress (or at least it feels that way). I couldn’t stand to be around couples because seeing what they had made me jealous and sad and bitter. While I didn’t have the thing that I most wanted, I was also not taking the time to notice what I did have, which was actually a decent amount. A little gratitude goes a long way to prevent bitterness. Bitterness is like a cancer. It grows and takes over if you don’t root it out.
Don’t settle for something less than a relationship.
At some point, I got really desperate. I was tired of waiting on God and tired of nothing happening, so when I got the chance to be touched, I took it. When I had the chance to enter into an unhealthy friends with benefits type arrangement, I went for it. I thought this would make me feel better. It kind of did, for awhile (notice all the qualifiers there). At the end of the day though, I just felt like more of a loser. I was only good enough for this fake relationship thing, not the real thing (or so I thought). For the record, it didn’t really add to my mental, spiritual, or emotional health either.
Don’t wallow.
I listened to a lot of really sad, depressing songs when I was single. I also longingly listened to a lot of love songs. Romantic comedies made me cry. I said “Woe is me” at least twice a day. Okay that last one isn’t true, but I definitely thought like that. I got so caught up in my problems I didn’t really look and see what else God might be doing in my life and what else God might be calling me to do. I just wallowed in my loneliness and sadness. For real, people, I was a terrible single person. It’s honestly amazing that anyone wanted to date me after all that.
What To Do:
Okay, so those are all the dumb things that I did that didn’t help. How can you be better than me? You can do what my smart and more well adjusted single friends do.
Put yourself out there.
I know, this is hard (hence why I never really did it). It’s awkward. It can be painful. It’s not always going to end well. Still, if you want to be in a relationship and you think God wants you to be in a relationship, it doesn’t hurt to put yourself out there. That could mean getting involved in new things so you meet new people. It could be agreeing to go on that blind date that your friend keeps trying to set you up on. Maybe it means trying online dating. Whatever this means to you, do it! If worst comes to worst, you’ll end up with an embarrassingly bad story to tell at parties.
Stay busy.
Get involved in things. Hang out with your friends a lot. This isn’t just to distract yourself from what you don’t have (though that can be an added perk). It keeps you from getting too wrapped up in your own head and thinking you’re a loser, no one would care if you died, and other depressing thoughts. Invest yourself in the people around you. Find places to serve and get involved. Remind yourself that you’re not alone and other people do need you.
Please note, this is not an unhealthy, run yourself ragged so you don’t have to think kind of busyness. It’s a healthy, I know other people need me and I have things to offer busyness. There’s a fine line there, and if you need guidance on this, ask a friend. An outside perspective can be super helpful. Which brings us to our next point:
Accept people’s help.
Don’t feel like you have to be Miss Independent. Being single means there’s only one person to do all the things. You don’t have a default person to open those annoyingly tight lids on jars, give you an outside perspective, or help you buy a car. There are some things that you just aren’t going to be able to do on your own or that would simply be better if you invited someone else in. Don’t be ashamed to accept help from others. This includes your relationship search. There’s no shame in a friend trying to set you up. After all, they want you to be happy too (and if not, they’re not a good friend).
Recognize that it’s okay to go looking for a relationship.
It’s not bad to want a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with making it known that you’re looking or to do things because you want to up your chances of meeting people. Online dating is not for losers. It’s a legitimate way to meet people in our modern world if you’re looking for someone. I was super ashamed of feeling like I needed help finding someone, but there’s no shame in that. Not everyone just falls into a relationship. God is not just going to bring you someone if you sit and wait like Rapunzel. You might have to enlist the help of others, enlist the help of dating sites, or whatever other resources you have at your disposal.
If you are single, don’t be like me. Be like my smarter and more well adjusted friends. You’ll be glad you did.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash