The last four weeks we’ve looked at the purity movement: what it is, the things it was right about and the two posts on what it was wrong about (which you can find here and here). You may be thinking, so what? What does a movement in the late 90’s early 2000’s have to do with life today?
As I’ve tried to explain throughout this series, looking at the past is important because it often has a huge effect on the present and the future. That’s definitely true when it comes to the purity movement.
Today, we can still see the influence of the movement. Now, many in churches seem to be fearful to address issues of dating and sexuality, perhaps in part because of the bad press the purity movement received. And let’s be honest, some of that bad press was deserved. However, just because the movement got things wrong doesn’t mean we should stop talking about sexual purity, dating, marriage, etc. We just need to change the way we talk about it. I’ve got a few suggestions of how we can make our conversations about relationships, sexuality, and purity healthier, more biblical, and more authentic.
Recognizing these things are not black and white
When people are in relationships, it’s just complicated. People on their own are complicated and when we’re talking about dynamics between two people, we double the complications. There are all sorts of nuances when it comes to relationships.
The purity movement tried to simplify things to make life easier on young people. Don’t date because it’s a worldly pattern of behavior. Don’t kiss because kissing leads to sex. Have your parents involved in your relationship because they are a voice of wisdom in your life. While there is a kernel of truth in all these ideas, it’s just not that easy or clear.
Dating might be a worldly pattern, but not all things from the world are all bad. Many good Christian people have met spouses through dating. Kissing is the beginning of a physical progression that does eventually lead to sex, but not every kiss leads to the bedroom. A kiss can be innocent. Not all parents are godly or wise. Things are just more complicated than the purity movement made them out to be. If we acknowledge that things are complicated and don’t try to oversimplify things, we’ll actually be a in a better place to help young people follow God well.
Providing spaces to talk openly about sexuality and struggles
This is one way we can help young people follow God well that the purity movement didn’t do so well. Because the purity movement placed so much emphasis on behavior, when someone did make a mistake or cross a line, they often had no place to process it or get help. They couldn’t talk to anyone in the church because then they would have to reveal how “impure” they were. That’s just not right.
We shouldn’t encourage or ignore “impure” behavior like sexual experimentation. However, we should provide young people a safe place to talk about it, especially when they’ve messed up. When sin remains a secret, it can destroy your soul. If you’re able to bring it to the light, you not only destroy that soul sucking power, but you can also gain some people to help you carry the burden and turn things around.
The Bible tells in Galatians 6:2 to bear one another’s burden’s. It’s hard for us to bear those burdens if we don’t know what they are. If we really want to be the body of Christ, we have to provide safe places for people to ask questions, learn, and admit mistakes.
Seeing marriage and sex as gifts, not as rewards.
One of the biggest issues with the purity movement was that it promised you good things if you did the “right” things. If you honored God in your dating life and with your sexual purity, you would be guaranteed to have a great marriage. In reality, all good things, including marriage and sex, are gifts from God. We don’t earn them.
Just because someone isn’t married, that doesn’t mean they’re not content, don’t trust God, or need to grow in maturity. The opposite is true too. Just because someone is married doesn’t mean they’re mature or their relationship with God is better. Marriage is not a reward. If someone gets married, it’s because God has given them that gift.
Sex is also not a reward for good behavior. You’re not guaranteed a great sex life if you keep yourself pure. God doesn’t promise us a good sex life if we get married. He doesn’t even promise us a sex life at all. Both marriage and sex and gifts from God that he can give or take away in his good timing, regardless of our behavior.
Focusing less what you should and should not do and more on why you should do it.
The purity movement was really focused on behavior. Like the Pharisees in the New Testament, the leaders of the movement encouraged setting boundaries to keep oneself from sinning. The problem is outward rules aren’t that effective because it’s not the behavior that matters, it’s the heart behind it. That’s why Jesus condemned the Pharisees and called them “whitewashed tombs” (Matthew 23:27). They were more focused on outward behavior than why they were behaving as they did.
When it comes to sexual purity, the why is more important than the what. Like Jesus taught us in the Gospels, we should be more concerned about following him and becoming more like him than following a bunch of manmade rules. If we’re just following rules for rules sake, we don’t have a great likelihood for success. Rules or rules sake are pretty ineffective if you’re up against temptation
If instead of rules, we focus on why we’re striving for sexual purity: because we trust God and what he’s told us is good for us. I don’t think God cares if we’re virgins when we get married as much as he just wants us to show our love for him by complying with his original design for marriage and relationships as closely as we possibly can. That’s the whole reason we should be seeking to live pure lives anyway.
Having a healthier and more realistic view of singleness
One of the implicit messages of the purity movement is that singleness is basically a waiting room. Eventually everyone gets married. You just have to hang in there for a bit until you find the perfect person and then you won’t have to worry about staying sexually pure anymore (or at least not in the same way, since you will have a spouse you can have sex with). The problem is, that’s a lie on multiple fronts.
Singleness isn’t a waiting room. Singleness is as legitimate a way to live as marriage is. You aren’t more mature or a “real” adult if you’re married. A single person is still be a fully functioning adult. You don’t have to wait until marriage to be mature and fulfilled, you can find those things in singleness as well. Paul and Jesus both say in the Bible that some may choose to be single to better serve God. If the Bible says singleness is good (and maybe even preferable), we shouldn’t make those who are single feel like they’re second class Christians.
We also have to admit that not everybody is going to get married. Not everyone wants to get married or is in a position to get married. Even some of those people that want to get married may never actually get married. It’s just a difficult fact that God doesn’t fulfill every desire that we have. Marriage is a desire for many people, and one that generally does get fulfilled, though not always. We shouldn’t teach young people that marriage is a given nor should we let them believe that those who are married are necessarily more mature or happy than people who are single.
Highlighting grace
One of the biggest problems with the purity movement was the way it used fear to keep young people in line. They were told that if you cross certain lines, it will impact your life forever and things will never be the same. Perfection was the goal. For some of us, like myself, who already had legalistic and perfectionistic leanings, the purity movement was poison to our souls.
The truth is that none of us will ever be perfect. To expect perfection is cruel. God doesn’t even expect that from us. That’s why he sent Jesus to come and die on the cross for us, because he knew we couldn’t be perfect in this present world. That’s why he give us his grace.
Yes, sex is a big deal and it can and does have consequences. But God’s grace is bigger than our sexual mistakes Grace is getting what you don’t deserve. That means that even if you’re a prostitute and sleep with hundreds or thousands of people, God could turn your life around and you could have a great marriage. Nothing that you do or don’t do can ever keep you from the gifts of God’s grace. They’re his gifts to give and are not based on your good behavior (or lack thereof). Honestly, we can’t emphasize grace enough in our churches. No matter what you’ve done, there is still hope and redemption for you in Christ.
In Conclusion
Now, I’m not claiming to know everything about the purity movement. I’m sure there are other things that could be done to make sure we don’t make some of the same mistakes today that those who came before us made 20 or so years ago. However, I think these things would really go a long way in giving young people a healthier and more realistic view of relationships and sexuality.
We need to be willing to look back at the past, notice what was done well and what needs to be improved upon. God has put us in our place in history for a reason. We are uniquely gifted to serve future generations of Christians because of our current view, looking back at the past, and how to live well in the present. Let’s not waste that precious gift.
Photo by Rowan Chestnut on Unsplash