Modern Romance Problems

Can we just be real for a second? Modern romance is hard, especially if you are a Christian trying to live in a way that’s honoring to God. I think (and there are researchers and several books that agree with me) that dating and finding a marriage partner is more difficult now in some ways than it’s ever been. All you single ladies and guys out there, the struggle is real (check out other posts I’ve written on singleness here and here). I have several single friends who want to be married and are just finding it extremely difficult to find people who are marriage material.

For us married folks out there, it’s easy just say that single people are whining and romance has always been difficult. To some extent, both of those things are probably true. When you’re in an uncomfortable position (and unwanted singleness is an uncomfortable position), it’s hard not to whine about it. I’ll be the first to admit that I was a terrible whiner when I was single. Yes, romance has never been an easy journey. However, that whining might be justified. There are some unique challenges out there in the modern world that those in the past didn’t have to deal with. This month, we’re going to explore some of these modern romance problems.

The History of the Problem: Changing Sexual Economics Have Changed Modern Romance

With any modern problem, it’s helpful to look back and see how we ended up in this predicament. Why is modern romance so much more difficult than it has been? Many of the problems can be traced back to the popularization of oral birth control and the ensuing sexual revolution.

Historically, The “Price” of Sex Was High

Before birth control became common place, sex was a riskier venture, particularly for women. While men could have sex with a woman and walk away relatively unscathed, even if that woman became pregnant, women who engaged in premarital sex risked pregnancy and the resulting social stigmas and shame. While there have always been women who for whatever reason have been willing to take that risk, the majority of women were guarded sexually because of the consequences sex could have for them.

In their book, Premarital Sex in America: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, and Think about Marrying, Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker posit a theory that relationships and sexuality operate in similar ways as economic systems. In the past, pre-sexual revolution, men had to “pay” a high price for sex, generally marriage. Because of the high risk of premarital sex, women were more reluctant to engage in sex without a high level of commitment from a man.  Women controlled the “price” of sex because they were the ones that took on the greater risk.

In the Modern World, the “Price” Is Low

Once reliable birth control became common place, the risks for women went down. Feminists declared that now women were free. There would finally be equality between the sexes because now women as well as men could engage in sexual activity with the same level of risk for men.

With the coming of the sexual revolution and changes in sexual mores, the “price” that men have to pay for sex has gone down dramatically. Now, women can engage in sexual activity without as great of a risk of pregnancy and the social stigmas attached to premarital sex and even having children outside of wedlock has reduced dramatically. This means that more women are willing to engage in sexual behavior without as high a commitment, or in some cases, without any commitment at all.

Overall, Regnerus and Uecker show this has been detrimental to women. As the saying goes, women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex. Economically speaking, there has always been an exchange between men and women of commitment and affection for sex. Now, women are giving the sex, but they’re not necessarily getting much commitment or affection in return. This is complicating modern romance. Because so many women are willing to give sex without commitment, that lowers the price of sex generally, for all women, even those who would rather wait until marriage for sex.

An Example from Economics

It can be helpful to think of how this would work in a money economy and then translate into sexual economics. If all the pizza shops in a town all the sudden started charging only $5 for their pizzas, the one store that held out at their $10 price would probably suffer because their competition was undercutting their price. Sure, they might be higher quality and some would be willing to pay their price, but the masses would probably settle for the $5 pizza. The same thing is happening with women who are holding out for marriage to have sex. Fewer men are willing to wait and pay the higher price when they can have what they want for a lesser cost elsewhere.

Therefore, there is some truth that’s it’s getting harder and harder to find guys who are willing to wait, even within the church. Our culture is driving them to settle for a lower price. Marriage or commitment is no longer seen as a requirement for sex. Women are the losers in this exchange in modern romance. They get less of what they generally want, stability, commitment and affection and men get more of what they want, sexual activity.

What This Doesn’t Mean for Modern Romance

The point of this is not to paint all men as pigs who just want sex. That would be painting with too broad a brush. However, the point is that while the sexual revolution promised equality between the sexes, it’s really just forced women to behave more like men, sexually. In the process, it’s provided women with less of what they want, commitment, stability, etc. This causes women to settle and enables men to skate by without as many consequences as they would have faced in the past.

What It Does Mean for Modern Romance

There is validity and statistical and sociological evidence that finding quality people, men or women, is more difficult today than it has been the in past. Cultural forces are fighting against you, all you single people out there. You are justified in your pain and frustration. There is also something you can do.

What Can Be Done?

The big lesson here is don’t settle. Guys, don’t fall into the cultural pattern of committing as little as possible and getting all the pleasure you can out of a relationship. It’s damaging to the girl you do this with, but it’s also damaging to women in general. If relationships are like an economic system, that means we’re all connected and what you do with one girl affects what that girl does in the future, what her friends think is normative, what your siblings think is normative, etc.

Ladies, require commitment. Don’t give your goods away unless a guy is willing to pay up and commit to you. I’m not talking talk about commitment, I’m talking taking action to commit. If you give without commitment, it’s not just detrimental to you (and their book also suggests that sexual relationships without commitment are more damaging to women than to men), but it’s also detrimental to the women around you. If you are willing to accept a low “price” for sex or any kind of sexual activity, men will expect other women to pay that same low “price”.

Most of all, it’s important for us to explain these factors to the next generation. As kids are experimenting with sex earlier and earlier, the “price” of sex is getting lower and lower, to the detriment of both men and women. It keeps men acting like little boys and is emotionally (and sometimes physically) damaging to women.

As it turns out, God knew what he was doing when he said that sex should only happen within marriage. It’s within marriage that the right “price” is paid for sex. Both men and women get their needs met and equality between them is possible.

Tune in next week as we tackle another unique problem in modern romance.

Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash