You know what makes sexual purity and romance harder for Christians in our modern world? We learn about sex earlier and it’s everywhere, but, on average, people are getting married later and later in life. That means we have more temptation to stand up to and we have to stand up to it for longer (or forever).
How did this happen? It’s worth looking at how we ended up where we are now.
How We Got Here
Let’s look at the late marriage thing first. For most of history, women have married in their teens and men a little later (or a lot later depending on which culture/time we’re looking at). This reason for this is pretty practical.
Marriage: Now Vs. Then
Throughout most of history, women got married shortly after they were able to have kids. This meant they were married during their period of peak fertility (which is late teens). Women usually didn’t go through extensive education nor did they need to establish themselves in careers. They just needed to be old enough to make babies and have the skills to run a household.
Though men generally married later, in most periods of history, they still married relatively young. They often had to finish education or establish a career. They had to have a home to offer to a young lady, after all.
In general, people had to get married early because they had shorter life spans. Romance had to come earlier. In the medieval period, many people didn’t live past 40. You had to get down to business quickly because life was brutish and short. In our modern world, things have changed.
College Is Partially to Blame for Delayed Marriage
In our modern world, both women and men now go through a complete educational program, usually at least for a four year college degree, before they think about getting married. This is a change in the last 50 or so years. Previously, a large portion of the population just completed high school (and some didn’t do that even) and then stopped their education. Now almost everyone goes to college.
There is also a drive for young people to start their career path and college before they get married. There is wisdom to this. Having to divide your attention between a marriage, housekeeping, and your schooling/career can be difficult, especially if you’re all the beginning of two or more of those processes. However, it also means that most people are now waiting until their early twenties to marry at the very earliest.
In my mom’s generation, it wasn’t crazy to get married at 19. Now, it is. Anyone who marries before 21 or college graduation is viewed with a skeptical eye. People still fall in love and experience romance in high school and college, but that romance is ending in marriage less and less often because of how our culture has changed.
Sex: Now Vs. Then
People have had sex since the dawn of time. People have talked about sex since the dawn of time. However, only in our own day have people been as inundated as we are with sexual images, innuendo, etc. Our culture is obsessed with sex. You literally can’t escape it. Today’s toothpaste ads are more sexualized than the original Playboy magazine.
With changing of sexual mores in the wake of the sexual revolution, sex has become less a taboo thing and more a tool used by advertisers. Sex sells. Because of the inundation of sexual images, kids are being exposed to sexuality earlier and earlier.
While I firmly believe overprotection of children from media sources and such to prevent exposure to sexual content is a bit silly and probably impossible, however, there’s some value to trying to delay exposure. It is true that once you open the door to certain sexual images, thoughts, or behavior, it’s hard to close it back again. This means that we’re being exposed to sexual temptation earlier and in ways prior generations weren’t (think pornography here, among other things) and we’re waiting until longer to get married. That’s a lethal combination.
What This Doesn’t Mean for Romance
Just because things in our culture have changed and things are harder in some ways, that doesn’t mean that the Bible isn’t relevant or we shouldn’t stay true to biblical standards. Difficult is not the same as impossible. Yes, it is difficult to stay sexually pure in today’s culture where sex is all around us and more adults are staying single longer. It makes the situation of the single person today more understandable, but it doesn’t give them an excuse to throw in the towel and give up.
These findings also don’t mean that everyone should get married at 18, which was a typical marriage age for women even 50 years ago. Even if there is romance, it might not be wise to get married. There is some value in getting married later. Education is important and shouldn’t be skipped over lightly. We can’t just go back to the way things were. That would be impossible and unwise.
What It Does Mean for Romance
Let’s Have Some Grace
Honestly, I think there are two take aways from this situation. The first is that we should be gracious towards singles in the church, regardless of age. They’re in new territory and the battle they are fighting is hard. We can’t judge them or reject them from falling short of biblical standards of sexuality, especially when the world is fighting so hard to help them fall. We have to have grace.
Sexual sin should never have been in a separate class and worse than other sins, which is how the church has often viewed it. It has more serious consequences because of the nature of sex (which I think is what 1 Corinthians 6:18 is talking about), but it’s not more sinful than lying or cheating or being prideful or stealing. Sin is sin. Grace is sufficient to cover it all. This grace needs to be shown to singles, especially when they fail sexually.
Let’s Rethink Our Priorities
The second thing I think we should consider is changing our priorities. Is it necessary to wait so long to be married? Generations before us have always married earlier. Do we really need to encourage people to finish college and establish careers before they get married?
In her book Sex, Jesus, and the Conversations the Church Forgot, Mo Isom shares her own story on this front. She and her then boyfriend were tempted sexually and often caved to temptation. The two of them knew what God’s standards were and that they were violating them. They looked at their situation and realized they had two choices: break up to keep from sinning or get married and legitimize their sexual relationship. They chose to get married.
People might think they got married for the wrong reasons, but did they? Isn’t that the biblical answer? Isn’t that what Paul is saying people should do in 1 Corinthians 7? If you can’t keep from sinning, you should get married.
I don’t think that means you should marry the first person you’re attracted to just to keep from sinning. Romance isn’t the only factor in a healthy relationship. However, curtailing sin can be a legitimate reason to get married. Maybe it’s not so important to make sure you finish school or get your first job. Maybe the first priority should be honoring God.
I recognize that those two things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. I just want to challenge our modern way of thinking where everything should be settled before one gets married. Getting married was usually what settled people down in previous generations. It wasn’t a prerequisite. Maybe we need to reconsider how we’re viewing things, or at least be open to other views.