Modern Romance Problems: There Are No Dating Rules

I’ve always been slightly envious of those who lived during the time of Jane Austen or even during the Victorian era. While I wouldn’t want to trade away things like indoor plumbing and air conditioning, I do envy those time periods because there were clear rules of behavior. There was a code of etiquette. Everyone was aware of how you were supposed to act in social situation. There were dating rules. That’s no longer the case.

Maybe it was a bit strict in some ways, but my own Enneagram Type 1, clarity-loving self would personally prefer slightly too strict to no rules at all. And that’s what we have today, no rules at all. It honestly makes things super confusing.

There Used to Be Dating Rules

For most of history, in most cultures, there have been clear social rituals. If someone was interested in another someone romantically, there were clear steps to take and people knew what they meant. Past times have even had clearer rules about what people who are courting or dating or trying to get to know one another better should do. There was also, generally, a fairly clear progression from meeting someone to showing interest in them to asking their hand in marriage to actually being married.

Today it’s a mishmash. Some of this is in reaction to overly strict rules of the past. Some of it has to do, at least in America, with cultures merging and melting together. We no longer have an overarching culture or etiquette because people are from all over and it’s different everywhere. Everything has become much more casual than it was “back in the day.”

There Used to Be Rules about Sex

Another issue is changing sexual mores. In the past, marriage has been the gateway to a sexual relationship. There was a clear threshold to cross. Engagement made a relationship public knowledge to all. Marriage was the clear marker that sex was now part of the relationship.

Now, people have sex before they’re married. They live together before they’re married. This makes their relationship status ambiguous. But ambiguity isn’t just a problem with sexual mores.

Technology Affects the Rules

People also use technology in ways they never have before. Communication had to mostly be face to face. Even when technology made phone conversations possible, there were limits to privacy. Even 25 years ago, you had to use a phone that was hooked to a wall and shared by the whole family/house. You only had so much privacy and there were only certain times when it was appropriate to call. Now you can text or call someone at any time and no one else has to know. Relationships can now be much more private or even secret.

Online dating further complicates this. It’s uncharted waters. This is really the first generation to use online dating. There are no rules and it’s confusing. People “ghost”, or just randomly stop talking to someone without giving any explanation. Because people are no longer necessarily dating people form their everyday life, they can do this with little to know recourse. In ages past, you actually had to break up with someone because you would see them at the store or at school or your aunt would accost them in public. Now you can just stop replying and the other person has no idea whether you died or just didn’t want to talk to them anymore. It’s a mess. (For more on this check out the book Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari)

We Can’t Go Back to the Old Rules

Even though it’s a jungle out there, I don’t think this means that we can just return to courtship patterns of an earlier time. That was one of the problems with the purity movement. It tried to go back to a former way of doing things that in many ways didn’t make sense based on changes in society and culture. While some of the principles could be retained, the methods just don’t work in the modern world.

We can’t stick to our guns and say we’re going to try to live as if we’re in a Jane Austen world in a Jane the Virgin time. It’s just not going to work. I don’t think there’s a way to avoid the changes that have been made to relationships because of technology and cultural changes. If you try to do that, you’re probably not going to meet many people or have much luck communicating with the people you do meet.

Make Dating Rules for Yourself

For goodness gracious people, have some common decency out there. You can’t control what others do to you, but you can control what you choose to do. You can make your own “rules” and standards of behavior, both how you will act and what you will put up with. The Bible might not be a dating manual, but there are a few things in there that might be helpful to consider.

Biblical Dating Rules

Jesus says that’s the second greatest commandment and it applies to romance too. Be honest instead of ghosting. Yes, do the whole online dating thing, but remember that it’s not a game. The people you’re messaging are real people with feelings and value as people. Treat them as such.

Jesus warns his disciples to be a shrewd as snakes and innocent as doves when they go out into the world to tell others about him. He also says they’ll be like sheep among wolves. (Matthew 10:16). I get that dating is a different context than being sent out by Jesus to share the good news of the gospel, but I’m guessing that Jesus might give those seeking modern romance the same, or at least similar advice. Be wise. Use your head. Get advice from those that have gone before. Be innocent (which is not to be confused with naïve). Honor God in all things. Do everything you can to treat people kindly. Be in the world and its systems, but not of them.

Practical Dating Rules

May I also make a suggestion? Do as much as you can face to face. Stay off the screen as much as possible. Now, I myself was in a long distance relationship for a year, so I know technology is helpful and can keep you connected. However, Zach and I spent 3 months together face to face as interns before our relationship ever went digital. Also, I might add, when our relationship did go digital, things went south fast. A relationship that consists mostly of screen time can feel fake and separate from reality. It’s easier to not be yourself. God did not design us to relate to screens. He designed us to relate to people, face to face.

There might not be rules out there anymore that everyone is following, but make some of your own. Relationships might often be ambiguous in our modern world, but strive for clarity whenever you can. Remember the principle of sexual economics is also true of relationships in general. What you do affects not just you and the person you do it with, but all future people that person is in a relationship with, your friends, their friends, etc. We’re all connected. If we try to be more decent, this will positively impact others as well.

Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash