This Thanksgiving, I’m particularly grateful for my husband, Zach. He really is the best and I’m so glad I get to spend the rest of my life (God willing) with him. One of the things I have learned in our life together is that it’s easy to take one another for granted. You actually have to work to be grateful for one another, and that can be harder than you think.
When you’re single, it’s easy to think that being married will solve all (or most) of your problems. What married people will tell you, if they’re being honest, is that in reality, your spouse will actually create more problems in your life. That’s not a diss on marriage, it’s just the reality of two sinful people living life together. More sin, more problems.
The Blame Game
It’s also very easy to blame those problems on our spouse. If only he had a better work ethic, we’d have more money. Were she to spend less time with her friends, she’d have more time for us. If he would be more of a spiritual leader in our home, we would both be better Christians. If she was more organized, home would be a more relaxing place. Naturally, our first instinct is that the other person is the problem.
The Comparison Game
This instinct is only strengthened when we start to compare our spouse to other people. If my husband was more like him, we would have nicer things. My wife should dress more like her. I would be more attracted to her. If only my husband would pray like him, I would feel more spiritually connected to him. It’s easy to play the comparison game and have our spouse come up as the loser.
Spouses are not perfect people. Everyone has their flaws. There is always going to be something in them that we can find fault in. Sometimes it’s easy to overlook those flaws. Other times, we just can’t seem to see past them. They pop up at every turn. Everything our spouse does grates our nerves.
Being Grateful is the Antidote
We should deal with the flaws in our spouse just like we deal with desert seasons in our lives (see this post to learn more about this). We should face them with gratitude. When all you can see are your spouse’s flaws, take some time to pause and think of something you appreciate about your spouse, even if it’s a little thing.
The truth is, God has called you to love your spouse, flaws and all. We know this is true because that’s how God loved the people of Israel and that’s how God loves his church. We are Christ’s bride and even though we’re dysfunctional and often less than lovely, Christ was still willing to die for us. God calls us to have the same kind of love for our spouse.
Now, let’s be clear. We’re not God. Unconditional love does not come easily to us. That’s where gratitude comes in. Gratitude can make unconditional love easier. When we take the time to remember back to what made us fall in love with our spouse in the first place, when we really think about how our spouse contributes to our lives and our happiness, even in the smallest ways, it’s much easier to love them.
How to be grateful for your spouse
1) Think back to the beginning
If you keep a journal, read back in your journal to when you met your spouse or on former times when you were so in love. Read and remember why you fell in love in the first place. Remember the things you love about your spouse.
Maybe you’re not a journaler (I’m very hit or miss myself). Look through old pictures. What memories are you most thankful for? How did who your spouse is contribute to those memories? Maybe spend some time writing down what you remember from the past to be a reminder the next time being grateful is a little difficult.
2) Appreciate what they do
Think through the last day, week, month, or year. How has your spouse made your life better? What would your life be like without your spouse? What would you miss most?
Don’t just keep this to yourself. Make sure you tell them! Take the time to look them in the eyes and tell them what you appreciate about them. Maybe that’s not your think. Write them a thank you note and put it somewhere they’re bound to find it. Appreciation goes a long way, both in reminding you what’s wonderful about them and letting them know they’re loved.
3) Look at them through God’s eyes
Think about how God views your spouse. What growth have you seen in them? What unique talents and personality traits has God given to them?How has God provided for you through your spouse? Pray a prayer of thanksgiving for your spouse.
Sometimes, if things are really tough, it can hard to think of things you appreciate it. However, if you take the time to look at your spouse through God’s eyes, as his beloved son or daughter, it can really put things back into perspective for you.
4) Make it a habit
Don’t wait until you’re frustrated to try to be grateful for your spouse. Start a tradition of gratitude with them that extends beyond Thanksgiving. Each of you could share something about the other person that you are grateful for each day. Little signs of appreciation can go a long way. It helps your view of your spouse and it helps your relationship. Gratitude can work wonders in marriage and there are so many ways to practice it.
The reality is, your spouse is never going to be the perfect mate, but neither are you. Marriage can be hard, but gratitude can make you both more grateful for each other, whether you’re in an oasis or a desert in your marriage.
Photo by Camila Cordeiro on Unsplash
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